Thursday, June 24, 2010

So much on my mind

I think sometimes I have so much on my mind that I often feel like the messy person.

Figuratively speaking, the messy person doesn't know which corner to start cleaning and so the problems just stack like an old playing card tower ready to crumble at the slightest motion.

Me? I am a bit of a nut job. Self admitted nut job. My mind is all over the place and never settles. I have an unstable emotional outlook and I can never decide what it is I really want.

I see the good in people and then I pick them apart and analyze what their true motives in wanting to know me are.

Because, simply put, my self esteem has become so low that I can't phatom why anyone would want to be around me, and so I find reasons to close myself off to others. Generally I am always with my children and never get a kid free moment, so that in itself is the truth. Other times I look at myself and hate myself and don't want to do anything at all that day but be with my kids.

I couldn't really tell you when all of this started. I guess in a way it's always been a part of my mentality and that sucks. I hate with a passion being bi polar. One day, one minute, one second, one hour, one week, I can have the best self image and outlook in the entire universe. I want to do everything at once and not stop until I feel I have perfected the task at hand.

Then out of no where BAM!! In comes the the manic depressive side that says, you're not good enough, you don't need or deserve friends, you're a shitty person, you can't do anything right, look at you..and it's all down hill from there.

I often wonder if being alone with my thoughts is the best overall thing.

I know what makes me most unhappy and yet I am so unwilling to stick to a change that I just wallow in my own self pitty and let it eat me alive. I never used to be this bad. When did things just get so unattainable?

I know there's always a light at the end of every tunnel. I just hate having to ride the road that gets me to the light. Let's pray when I start the "change" again I don't break after just one week. I am my own worst enemy. I think everyone is there own worst enemy.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Random Bitching in June..

Yes, the title suggests it all.

No one likes a negative Nancy, so I try to keep my bitching to a minimum, but sometimes I can't help myself, it all started off with the heat. This ungodly 97 degree heat. And no, it's not dry heat like when I lived in Texas and the 100 degree days were nothing really. Oh no loves, 97 degrees in the Carolina's is like hell. Hell on earth. The humidity is intolerable. It's so insanely hot that I have my thermostat set at 80 and it STILL runs all day and won't go below 84 degrees. Oh sweet Jesus.

Yes, I realize while I bitch about the heat in the comfort of my own small home, others have it far worse, and for that I should shame myself. But no, I just want to have my moment of negativity and vent it out safely on a blog;) After all, that is what blogs are for, venting :D Well, venting, sharing ideas, etc.

Coupled with the heat, my neighbors dogs are INFESTED with fleas, and all I can think is, oh dear Gah, it's just a matter of time before those things get into my yard. Really, I know frontline is expensive, but it's worth every dime, Why would you let your animal suffer like that? heat + fleas = no picnic for a poor pooch. I know, we happily coughed up the money to keep our dog on it. That and, well let's just say if I ever get fleas in my house EVER again, I will completely lose my mind, that is HOW hard they are to get rid of. However, if you notice them right away and immediately wash all the linens and mop everytihng daily for a good couple weeks coupled with whatever fabulous chemical cocktail terminix uses, they will be gone in no time at all. THANK GOD FOR TERMINIX & Murphy's oil soap:D heaven sent blessing!! Never trust any over the counter flea foggers, the first time we had fleas they took MONTHS to get rid of and we spent near a thousand bucks, all it took was a call to terminix and 120 bucks later and they were goooone!

So yeah, as you can tell I'll probably rip my neighbors head off at the first sign of one of those pesky things in my yard:D hehe. Thankfully we kept our contract with terminix and if they should come back they'll treat right away. I tend to have a love hate relationship with that company, but they made right the wrongs one tech did so I am pleased for the moment being:)

I admit I am super anal about bugs and critters, I DO NOT WANT THEM, AT ALL lol.

So what else can I complain about?

Well the heat's so hot I can not do any outdoor photos which means absolutely no money my way. Which isn't such a bad thing I suppose, only I was hoping to save the side income and set it aside for when MiMi starts kindergarten.

I like to have money set aside as to avoid breaking out the dreaded credit card that carries a 22 percent interest rate (butt rape, if you ask me, given our credit is flawless!). BUUUUT, I guess some one's gotta pay for all the defaulters and of course the credit regulations on raising hte interest rate, they companies had to raise it before the law went into effect. (shrugs).

Personally I think they should make it waaay harder to get a credit card. Not only that, I think they should be more thorough in approving credit cards, it's so easy to steal some one's info and assume their identity (I know first hand). The credit card companies who issue cards to false persons should be held liable, not the victim.

Again, negative Nancy is on a roll here. ;)

Yeah, so aside all of my mad woman rambling and bitching, I am also very thankful that I have a roof over my head and that I could have so much more to complain about so I will just count my blessings, and thanks for letting me do what we all do from time to time..because let's face it; bitching feels GOOD!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Random Ramblings.

Or maybe just random thoughts would of sufficed for a title. Currently I am in a perpetual state of "huh?" Between the kids, lack of sleep and other such stressed, I often feel as though I am in some sort of alternate reality world. Either that or I am going schizo slowly but surely. I mean, they do say schizophrenia hits in the late 20's.

Something I noticed over the last year is that, if I ever think my house is haunted again, I will now blame it on a mouse, or just that my home is old. I want to say that Terminix did come out and rectify the problems I was having. So cheers to them for making right what the bad techs did wrong. I am a little sad that we will have to bate our crawlspace year round because of living by a woodline and the mice like to seek shelter, butttt, I must say I have no heart, and I do not want them in my home (cute as they may be) I am not a fan of droppings or diseases and I don't want ot know what my kids pick up when I am out of the room:) *ick*.

I also have an issue to where I mop every day (even behind the couches now). But to be honest I like it and it gives me some comfort to know my fading hardwood floors are super clean.

So the lumber for Ethan's farmhouse toddler bed has been purchased, and whenever that project gets started, there really is no telling. I have a habit of starting projects and finishing them months later.

Earlier this week I turned in the last bit of paper work for MiMi to enter kindgergarten, and I tried UNSUCCESSFULLY to keep her at her old school, but being it is not in our district (granted I would be driving her and granted it's the exaaact same driving distance as the new school) they will not let her go because I called too late in the year:( I am a little disheartened, but they say everything happens for a reason, and maybe she will enjoy the non uniform school. :)

I can't believe my sister's due date is next ONE MONTH I should be an AUNT!! (maybe sooner, maybe later, you never can tell)..

I am so elated!! I am sad I've never witnessed a birth before, and my own c sections were a bit hazy, and it all happend so fast. I really wish I could of witnessed this event, and more than anything be able to see my first niece upon her entrance into this glorious world.

I am just glad my sister will be here in August and I get to meet that sweet baby then!! Doubt it I will let her go! I love babies! :)

Anyway, I hope everyone else has been doing wonderful and I hope to update more at some point. Things are still crazy here:)